My Feelings Toward The Real Me

I’m angry. I’m angry with everybody around me including myself. I’m angry with my parents, my siblings, my teachers, classmates, but more importantly, myself. Ever since my birthday, a couple of times a day I stop and think, “Crap! I’m eighteen!” And I’m getting older, and I struggle with the fears that my age is bringing. I’m standing on top of a time bomb.

I am angry with myself because I have so many blank pages that I didn’t get to fill, and I won’t ever get to. Now, at my age I am willing to go anywhere and do anything, but now I hate myself for not having this same attitude I have now. And even now, I hate asking for something because I want to void the struggle of asking my parents.

I live my life laying down in a bed and sitting down in different classroom desks. But my mind is somewhere else. In my world, I have an amazing, excellent paying job with a beautiful boyfriend that makes me feel like a goddess every time we’re together. But that’s just in my stupid mind. I wish I had been born in a different situation in which I didn’t have to fight and work so hard for what I want.

I’m angry with myself because I’m so lazy, yet so ambitious. Why can’t I be hard-working and ambitious? I know what my dream job is, but I’m not talented. I sing horribly, and my dancing is absolutely disastrous. I’ve never acted, but I have no doubt in my mind that even if I did it, I wouldn’t be outstanding. I’m angry with myself because my mom keeps telling me that God has a plan for me because He has kept me alive, but I’m afraid I just came to this world with no glory, and that I’m going to leave the world the same way.

I hate myself for not having the skin that an 18-year-old should have. Instead, I have the skin of a 40-year-old. I hate myself for being who I am. The real me.

The Destroyer of all Earth

            Why must the world be the way it is? I see the world’s injustice, and there’s nothing I can do about it. There’s death, pain, devastation, sorrow, grief, and above all injustice. There’s superficiality. Things that really matter are not taken into account by the rest of the world. I’m surrounded by people that live in a fairytale, and all my life I’ve been living in one as well. And the worst part is that I’ve known this. Everybody knows it and we just don’t want to abandon that fairytale because it’s just too beautiful. And sure, every fairytale has its villains, but none as bad as the villains that live in reality.

            How can I go out there? How can I fight injustice? What can I do? I now realize that God has spoken to me in very discreet ways. And with the tools I use every day. At church, the preaching was that I was supposed to go out into the world, spread His word around, but I know I should do more than that. There’s so much more to do!

            I saw injustice being done at the Mexico-USA border. Why can’t they understand that all we’re doing is looking for a better life? That’s all. Everybody does that. Americans move to other countries all the time, and yet Americans criticize us for moving to this country. Now, I know Americans can come back saying that when they do, they do it legally. And we would, too if America didn’t do it so difficult!

            That injustice is literally minutes away from where I am. And even with it being so close, there’s nothing I can do about it. And then I leave my own world, where war, natural disasters, racial tension, religious fighting, and inhumanity reign over the whole world. Where issues are far away, and I can’t do anything about it, however, I can’t ignore it either.

            I think that the major thing that makes the world the way it is is the injustice. I know that “Life’s not fair.” But it’s not fair because humanity itself is not making it fair. Big, and powerful giants give themselves great and luxurious things when they really have done nothing to deserve those things, and that’s not fair. While those who work hard everyday can’t even get a fraction of what the giant has. Meanwhile, the same person is betrayed by another big and powerful giant. It’s not fair, but he is the one that started not being fair in the first place.

            The “Golden Rule” is an amazing way to live by if only the entire world could live that way. But not everybody lives that way, and so the world is full of injustice.

            Injustice, and those who practice it, have made this world the way it is right now, and the way it’s always been. It’s up to everyone to not let it stay that way.

I Don't Need To Get A Life

Everyday I say or do something that never really makes sense. I usually laugh and tell myself that I need to get a life. But you know what? I already have a life. I may not live the way kids my age live, but I don’t need to. My life may be lame, but it’s my life.

            I have parents that don’t understand what I want. But I have parents, and either way, they love me. I have a sister that sometimes seems like she doesn’t believe in me, but she still tries to support me. I have a brother that thinks I’m a complete moron because I don’t do things the way he did when he was in High School, but he still brings and takes me when I need. I have another brother that rarely acknowledges my existence, but I trust in the love I know he has for me. I have friends that never seem to view the world the way I do, but it’s okay because that doesn’t stop us from having a good time every time we’re together.

            I’m 18. I’m not supposed to have a vivid life. I don’t use the measly excuse of my youth to do things that might be rushed for me because, you know what? My youth will end when I decide for it to end. I don’t care if I don’t go out to party every weekend of if I still don’t drive. You know why? Because I have an entire life to do what kids are hurrying to do, now. I don’t need to “have a life,” I’m fine the way I am. And I will be because I do have a life.

Perhaps What the Entire World Wants

            I think that there’s a pretty big possibility that I’m going to fail at every plan I’ve made and changed concerning my future. Maybe I won’t be able to even go to college in the near future. I’m not saying I won’t go at all, I’m just saying that perhaps I won’t be able to do it soon. I know it’s a very important thing. You know? Going to college. I just have come to learn something new, something that for some reason, it hadn’t occurred to me before: Ultimately, it’s not about being professionally successful. In the end, all I want to do is survive.

            I want that at my funeral when they say, “She lived a good life.” I want them to really mean it. When I die, they’re not going to say, “She went to an amazing college, and was a top student in High School.” Unless I am some sort of genius at a certain subject, my profession isn’t what I’m going to leave behind in this world.

            When I die, and my children demonstrate traits such as nobility, kindness, and hard-working attitude, people might say, “Their mother raised them up well.” Not “their mother was the head of a major corporate company.”

            Or maybe it’s the opposite. Maybe I fail at everything everybody thought I was going to be successful at, but in the end, I can leave the world knowing that I lived helping my family, and I can die knowing that I’m not hated by everyone I ever encountered. And I guess everyone has the same goal, but we don’t know it yet. I think that in the end, we all just want to survive and be happy.