My Feelings Toward The Real Me

I’m angry. I’m angry with everybody around me including myself. I’m angry with my parents, my siblings, my teachers, classmates, but more importantly, myself. Ever since my birthday, a couple of times a day I stop and think, “Crap! I’m eighteen!” And I’m getting older, and I struggle with the fears that my age is bringing. I’m standing on top of a time bomb.

I am angry with myself because I have so many blank pages that I didn’t get to fill, and I won’t ever get to. Now, at my age I am willing to go anywhere and do anything, but now I hate myself for not having this same attitude I have now. And even now, I hate asking for something because I want to void the struggle of asking my parents.

I live my life laying down in a bed and sitting down in different classroom desks. But my mind is somewhere else. In my world, I have an amazing, excellent paying job with a beautiful boyfriend that makes me feel like a goddess every time we’re together. But that’s just in my stupid mind. I wish I had been born in a different situation in which I didn’t have to fight and work so hard for what I want.

I’m angry with myself because I’m so lazy, yet so ambitious. Why can’t I be hard-working and ambitious? I know what my dream job is, but I’m not talented. I sing horribly, and my dancing is absolutely disastrous. I’ve never acted, but I have no doubt in my mind that even if I did it, I wouldn’t be outstanding. I’m angry with myself because my mom keeps telling me that God has a plan for me because He has kept me alive, but I’m afraid I just came to this world with no glory, and that I’m going to leave the world the same way.

I hate myself for not having the skin that an 18-year-old should have. Instead, I have the skin of a 40-year-old. I hate myself for being who I am. The real me.

The Destroyer of all Earth

            Why must the world be the way it is? I see the world’s injustice, and there’s nothing I can do about it. There’s death, pain, devastation, sorrow, grief, and above all injustice. There’s superficiality. Things that really matter are not taken into account by the rest of the world. I’m surrounded by people that live in a fairytale, and all my life I’ve been living in one as well. And the worst part is that I’ve known this. Everybody knows it and we just don’t want to abandon that fairytale because it’s just too beautiful. And sure, every fairytale has its villains, but none as bad as the villains that live in reality.

            How can I go out there? How can I fight injustice? What can I do? I now realize that God has spoken to me in very discreet ways. And with the tools I use every day. At church, the preaching was that I was supposed to go out into the world, spread His word around, but I know I should do more than that. There’s so much more to do!

            I saw injustice being done at the Mexico-USA border. Why can’t they understand that all we’re doing is looking for a better life? That’s all. Everybody does that. Americans move to other countries all the time, and yet Americans criticize us for moving to this country. Now, I know Americans can come back saying that when they do, they do it legally. And we would, too if America didn’t do it so difficult!

            That injustice is literally minutes away from where I am. And even with it being so close, there’s nothing I can do about it. And then I leave my own world, where war, natural disasters, racial tension, religious fighting, and inhumanity reign over the whole world. Where issues are far away, and I can’t do anything about it, however, I can’t ignore it either.

            I think that the major thing that makes the world the way it is is the injustice. I know that “Life’s not fair.” But it’s not fair because humanity itself is not making it fair. Big, and powerful giants give themselves great and luxurious things when they really have done nothing to deserve those things, and that’s not fair. While those who work hard everyday can’t even get a fraction of what the giant has. Meanwhile, the same person is betrayed by another big and powerful giant. It’s not fair, but he is the one that started not being fair in the first place.

            The “Golden Rule” is an amazing way to live by if only the entire world could live that way. But not everybody lives that way, and so the world is full of injustice.

            Injustice, and those who practice it, have made this world the way it is right now, and the way it’s always been. It’s up to everyone to not let it stay that way.

I Don't Need To Get A Life

Everyday I say or do something that never really makes sense. I usually laugh and tell myself that I need to get a life. But you know what? I already have a life. I may not live the way kids my age live, but I don’t need to. My life may be lame, but it’s my life.

            I have parents that don’t understand what I want. But I have parents, and either way, they love me. I have a sister that sometimes seems like she doesn’t believe in me, but she still tries to support me. I have a brother that thinks I’m a complete moron because I don’t do things the way he did when he was in High School, but he still brings and takes me when I need. I have another brother that rarely acknowledges my existence, but I trust in the love I know he has for me. I have friends that never seem to view the world the way I do, but it’s okay because that doesn’t stop us from having a good time every time we’re together.

            I’m 18. I’m not supposed to have a vivid life. I don’t use the measly excuse of my youth to do things that might be rushed for me because, you know what? My youth will end when I decide for it to end. I don’t care if I don’t go out to party every weekend of if I still don’t drive. You know why? Because I have an entire life to do what kids are hurrying to do, now. I don’t need to “have a life,” I’m fine the way I am. And I will be because I do have a life.

Perhaps What the Entire World Wants

            I think that there’s a pretty big possibility that I’m going to fail at every plan I’ve made and changed concerning my future. Maybe I won’t be able to even go to college in the near future. I’m not saying I won’t go at all, I’m just saying that perhaps I won’t be able to do it soon. I know it’s a very important thing. You know? Going to college. I just have come to learn something new, something that for some reason, it hadn’t occurred to me before: Ultimately, it’s not about being professionally successful. In the end, all I want to do is survive.

            I want that at my funeral when they say, “She lived a good life.” I want them to really mean it. When I die, they’re not going to say, “She went to an amazing college, and was a top student in High School.” Unless I am some sort of genius at a certain subject, my profession isn’t what I’m going to leave behind in this world.

            When I die, and my children demonstrate traits such as nobility, kindness, and hard-working attitude, people might say, “Their mother raised them up well.” Not “their mother was the head of a major corporate company.”

            Or maybe it’s the opposite. Maybe I fail at everything everybody thought I was going to be successful at, but in the end, I can leave the world knowing that I lived helping my family, and I can die knowing that I’m not hated by everyone I ever encountered. And I guess everyone has the same goal, but we don’t know it yet. I think that in the end, we all just want to survive and be happy.

I Was NOT Born This Way

            I wasn’t born this way. I keep hearing the “I was born this way” thing from everybody that feels their personality is being attacked. They keep saying that people shouldn’t judge the way they are, because they’re never going to change, and the world should get used to it. But the thing is, I wasn’t born this way. I have changed so much since my childhood and even from a couple of years ago until now.

            I used to be more quiet and afraid of those who acted more superior to me. You know, those people, or, kids that society has placed in a sacred spot. I was intimidated by these people and, now I don’t feel any kind of intimidation. I now feel that it doesn’t matter what people say or think about me.

            I used to be happy and would trust anyone with anything and didn’t care. Now, I have serious trust issues. I trust people, but there’s always this bug at the back of my mind that makes me be cautious from any kind of betrayal that I might encounter from anyone. Unfortunately, because of many things I’ve seen throughout my life, I just happen to not trust male adults. I feel that men don’t have real intentions of being good at a close distance. I just don’t really trust anyone in this world.

            My mom, dad, and basically my entire family, enjoy a bit more trust from me. However, that tiny bug is still there. I feel as if, I don’t know, maybe this isn't my real family. Or maybe they really don’t like me. Maybe they’re nice to me because they don’t want to look bad in front of the rest of the world.

            Maybe I’m just paranoid. The point is, I am very different from how I was when I was four years old, and way different from when I was born. I have lived, and will live some more. Times will change, and so will I. So, no, I was not, “Born This way”.

Silenced Voice

Lately, everyone seems to silence my voice

I realized, I no longer have a choice.

I’ve been ignored and pushed away,

And I can’t seem to find my way.

And in a sense,

Everyone seems to have put in front of me, a big, dark fence.

At moments, I feel like I’m trapped in a jail, with no way to escape.

I wish I had a cape, so I could fly into the darkness, away from all this madness.

Now my voice has no personality,

And I have stopped speaking with clarity.

No one ever listens to what I have to say,

And because of that, I feel lonely night and day.

 -Vasti K. Flores

 

 

I Live In A Movie

            I live in a movie. I live in a place where I have beautiful summer flings that turn out to be a lifetime experience. I live in a world in which parents always communicate with their children, a world that instead of them telling you their life story, they talk to you metaphorically, and your problems get solved because you listen to their advice. I live in a land in which I will hate any guy that is trying to seduce me, and I end up loving him.

           I live in a movie. A place in which everybody has problems but everybody always has a chance to smile. A place where everyone can see that you’re broken inside and everyone is trying to help you.

            I live in a movie. I live in a place in which I have best friends that are always there for me, and I’m always there for them. I live in a place in which traveling to other countries is as easy as going to the store. I live in a place in which I will meet a guy in a foreign place and fall in love.

            I live in a movie. I live in a world in which I can walk away from an explosion as if nothing’s going on. I can fight dozens of people and beat them all and still manage to not get hurt while wearing high heels. I can save the world from an alien invasion, and be anonymous. I can become anyone I want to.

            I live in a movie. I live in a world in which I can become anyone I want to. I live in a world in which I can be a doctor, and the next day I can be a prostitute. I live in a world in which having imperfections in your body does not exist.

            I live in a movie. I live in a world in which everybody learns a lesson and have a shocking experience that makes them change forever. I live in a world in which although everybody has issues, I am 100% certain that those issues will go away. The only question is “How?” And “When?”

            But I don’t. I live in a place in which everybody keeps saying that God will come and help us, only they’re not sure if God wants to help us. I live in a world in which I have to fight for what I want. A place in which I can only want one thing because I won’t get enough life to do or get it all.

            I live in a place where people die, and they never know when their time is coming, and they leave everything as a huge mess. A place in which you never say what you want to say. I come from a world in which stealing is actually wrong. I live in a world in which teenagers with problems do NOT change because of a caring, loving, teacher. A world in which everyone is trying to go further than everyone else.

            I am the most simple person you could ever meet. I’m fat, with no talents, with average mind, and average life. I live in a mediocre house living a simple, zero excitement life. I soothe this by going to another world. A world that is the complete opposite of my own, because I live in a movie.

A Little Bit More Inside My Mind

            I guess you can say that I am pretty average, and not out of the ordinary when you first meet me. Another teenager, another young person that makes stupid choices, and that acts in a reckless manner. Although I see that, in me, I see an entirely different part of myself that I do not see in anybody else my age. I don’t drown with problems that are obviously miniscule. I can honestly say that despite the relationships I’ve had. I’ve never “fallen in love.” I constantly think of the future, and how my life will end up. I wonder of the people that I might meet later on in my life. And I wonder about the moment in which I have to leave this world, and what I will leave behind.

            I have strange thoughts about people that have similarities with me. I have a certain dislike for people my age. Despite the fact that I’m a teenager, I really don’t like teenagers. I hear kids talking about how they get drunk, have sex, and all these scandalous things that not even adults should be doing, and I just feel like slapping their faces to see if the stupidity falls out of their brains. I hear them discuss their First World Problems when I am here struggling to survive each day.

            I also have a very strong dislike towards people that have money. They don’t see the struggle that the people down here have to go through every day. I hear people that I know talk back to their parents, go do drugs, drink, party, and are never home, and yet they have amazing cars, the latest phones, brand name clothes, and are never home. Meanwhile, I am always in school, giving it the best my mind, soul, and body can give. I love and respect my parents, never get in trouble, have never even been close to a crazy drunk party, and here I am having to work with the things I have, while I see others have it in the most easy way possible.

            I don’t mind living the way I do, because my parents give me what they can, and I know they’re giving it their best shot at me being successful. “I be po’, son!” and it’s fine, because I know that others are not as blessed as me anyways. What I just wonder is why does life have to be so kind to those that do no good in this world. Why are drug dealers successful, while churches have to struggle so much in order to go around the world and do good to others in need? Why do criminals enjoy their stay in prison when it’s supposed to be a punishment? I guess I’ll never know, and it’s something that I have to live with for the rest of my life.

An Introduction

My name is Vasti Flores. I am 18 years old, about to be thrown out into the real world, and with no clue as to what will happen with my life. Maybe time or fate will decide what will happen with my life, but as of now, I am lost and seem to not know what will happen while everybody else seems to have found control over their life. Indecision has become my everlasting companion, and it doesn't seem to want to leave me alone. Perhaps if I go on the search for some new chracteristic company, I will find a way for it to leave me alone, but I haven't been brave enough to make that decision. Family and friends are supposed to be there to help me overcome anything that I might neeed help with, but they don't know what they're supposed to help with.
Many thoughts fill my mind, and those thoughts never go past my small notebook. I decided to get those thougths way past my notebook, and so, here I am. I don't know if anybody might decide to read the strange blog of another teenage girl, with teenage issues that seem insignificant to the rest of the world, but at least I have a small spark of hope that someday, someone might read this, and those thoughts that cloud my mind from time to time, are no longer trapped in my mind, or that small notebook in my drawer, but I will know that I am not alone anymore, and that hope might keep my dreams alive. My dreams of not just being a human being taking up space in this world, and just coming and going without penalty or glory.
I hope someone encounters this, and hopefully somebody can come and make an impact in my life, or perhaps, I will make an impact on somebody's life.